Bittersweet Holiday

Yesterday was a good day. I cooked my first turkey. I saw a cousin I hadn’t seen in awhile. I ate…ALOT. All in all it was a pretty great Thanksgiving. Except for one fact.

There is a very strong possibility that yesterday was, in fact, my last Thanksgiving with my grandmother. A.K.A my best friend, my counselor, my teacher……….my world.

A friend of mine had given me the very good advice to not think about what may happen in the months to come because only the Man Above knows when someone will go. Instead I should focus on the moment, the right now. Which sounded good. In theory.

But I couldn’t.

I spent the day trying to burn every second into my brain to ensure that I could recall each moment 20 years from now.

I spent the day watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she dozed on the couch. Trying to figure out how I could keep it rising and falling until after the day I died.

I spent the day  holding back tears each time she refused my offer to make her plate. Trying not to show my frustration at her unwillingness to eat. Reminding myself that she would if she could.

I spent the day recalling the sadness in her voice as she wished that she could cook for her family as she had done every single year. Until this year. Because she didn’t have the energy for it.

But I also spent the day being thankful.

I spent the day thankful for the years that I have had that amazing woman in my life. Thankful for the times she has been there for me, thankful for the times she has gotten my ass out of the situations that life, and sometimes myself, has gotten me into. Thankful for the love she has shown my kids. Thankful for the person she has helped me become. Thankful for the person that I want to become so that I can make her proud.

So, I am happy that yesterday was a good day. The memory of her teaching me to cook my first turkey will forever be with me. And I can’t wait to make more memories with her in the upcoming weeks…months…and I pray years.